Dreams are all around us, almost as if they are swirling about in the air above our heads, just there to be plucked from the sky and followed to see where they lead. Dreams of where we want to go on vacation, what we’d do with a million dollars, the dream mate or house, what we want for our kids (if you have them), and what want to be when we ourselves grow up.
Those dreams that are the hardest to attain and provide the greatest lifelong satisfaction are the ones that not only connect with the soul of your being and that you believe are worth working hard for, but they are also the ones that challenge you, cause you to question yourself, cause you to doubt yourself, everything you are and all that you believe.
It’s only through the deep questioning and soul-searching that you can really, truly identify not only that which is most important to you, but that which you know is worth fighting for even when it seems that every object in the universe, every odd in Las Vegas is against you. It’s been this latest class that I’m taking, a physics class that has caused me to realize this.
I’ll admit it. I’m not doing well, at least my grade doesn’t reflect that I’m doing well in my class. It really isn’t a bad grade. I know that were I not trying to get into med school it would be a respectable grade in that it is the class average, but I am wholly frustrated with it. After spending an embarrassingly large number of hours studying the topic, the associated homework and past sample tests, I STILL only pulled the class average for my exam score.
And I cried. And I sobbed. And I doubted. Doubted the worth in trying to change the course of my life at this time, at this age. With two kids that I dearly love and who love me, with a husband who supports me in my goal, and who wants to see me be all that he knows that I can be, even when I myself don’t know what it is that I can do. Knowing that for every hour, every challenge that it is one less moment, one less experience that I’ll have with them. Events that can never be relived.
And over the course of the weekend I questioned and I slept and I played. Played with the kids and the dog, with Charles and all things OTHER than physics, school and preparing for my application to medical school. I occupied my thoughts with what makes me happy, with working on my sister’s estate to remember my times with her, and regaining contact with those tangible and intangibles that make me who I am. Then, on Monday, I got up and went to my physics class.
I’ve come to realize that in spite of the grade that is and probably will be posted on my transcript that its the intangible aspects of what it represents. Sure, I don’t really ‘get’ the subject of physics, at least not with this professor. But, I taking it. I’m sticking with it. It’s the first ‘hard’ science class that I’ve had in 13 years. The first time I’ve even really thought about physics since I was a senior in high school, 20 years ago. Considering that and all of my other life’s responsibilities, I’m actually impressed that I’m doing so well.
And, if I give up now it means that I really didn’t want it, at least not enough to survive the challenges that lie ahead. So for now I’m keeping my head down, my book open and my perspective intact so that when the next wave of doubt comes along, maybe I’ll be able to surf that one as well.